give me some shooga.

i think this is you.

i haven't posted in a while, probably because i feel infinitely less angst in my new living situation. but if you're still reading this here's what's going on:
i have a lot of work to do for school, and since sunday night i haven't been sleeping well, making this mass of work take way longer than it should. i feel like an asshole for not taking my anthropology class more seriously. i do like anthropology, especially since i have such a cool teacher, but since he didn't have an attendance policy or much work assigned i slacked off a ton and didn't get nearly as much out of the class as i should have. i want to delete my facebook since it's such a hazardous distraction from the parts of life that matter. that will never happen since facebook is the way you hear about everything that's going on, plus i don't like talking on the phone. i've had the urge to watercolor lately. not the time or energy for it, though. i worry about my family, money is really stressing my dad out and i don't want his health to get bad again as a result. i miss my sibilings like mad. i miss my charlotte friends terribly, too. i really don't enjoy being in charlotte like i used to, though. my hair is getting so long, i can't believe it!

i'm feeling a strong need to further redefine and restructure my life so that it is one i am truly proud of. one that truly resents me. that paint on the banister reads boldly in my mind's eye, how will you live your life so that it does not make a mockery of your values. it's so much more than not shopping at wal mart and listening to the right songs. i am going to be 20 this month. the thought of no longer being a teenager anymore blows my mind. the culmination of my experiences, emotions, decisions, and indescribably resounding joy is really starting to take effect in this way that i can't even describe. but they are. i feel very alive even though i currently am exhausted in a way that is best described as "half-dead".

i live with a house bunny. he's litterbox trained, affectionate, and hyperactive. greg sleeps with me every night.

speaking of sleep, i just noticed the time which parallyzed whatever thought process i was having. i can't wait for the semester to be over so i can wake up revitalized and properly excited about everything to be excited about.

lovedy love lurve louvre
<3

it was so satisfying dumping their shit out of the organizer boxes i'd bought.
tonight we're stealing back my mattress because the new one is so uncomfortable compared to the old one.

we have so much more fun in my new apartment. my friend grace came over yesterday, and instead of having anna and nan ignore her, she had frances and natalia talking to her, complimenting her new tattoo, being NICE. wonderful! home! i'm here! yes!
i have to go to a lecture on the renaissance history of africa, and i really don't see the point. i'm so tired of hearing everything from an imperialist bullshit perspective. i haven't even put clothes on yet because i'm so dreading this.

yugggg i am hungry.

don't tell me you know how to properly own cats, then wait 'til AFTER the cats start spraying to get them fixed.

this is one of those times when i'm absolutely reveling in someone else's misfortune. i am the only one here who ever expresses actual medical health concerns for the cats instead of just saying "awwww he's they're so cute! who cares if they destroyed the couch, peed all over the living room, and rape each other?" (they do rape each other, which everyone else just laughs at while i fucking try my best to make anna get them fixed...)
i see their destruction of the apartment not only as "kitty behavior" but cabin fever. anna has waited until these males are almost 10 months old to get them fixed. she thinks this will stop them from spraying. she's stupid. they're already sexually mature and the piss-party will continue, balls or no balls.

poor, stupid girls. i'm so excited, though! moving in with natalia means i'm living with a snake! his name's Ernest and he's a king snake. i've actually played with him several times before, including the night where greg first hit on me. we were both drunk (he was moreso than i) and i was like, "he keeps trying to go for the warm spots on the couch" and greg goes "psh yeah, and down your cleavage." he was trying so damn hard not to stare at my rack after that. it was adorable.

i'm gonna go call the office for my apartment so i can get the fuck out of here.

so i am being a silent hill nurse for halloween & it's gonna be rad.

my apartment has this deal where if your roommates are shitty & make you nuts they'll relocate you.
my friends natalia and victoria are all about me having me as their third roommate. i'm getting away from the filth, crazy destructive cats, and techonology-retardation within a week.
nan and anna have been making me really crazy lately, it's affecting all areas of my life, especially with greg because i'm so high strung all of the time and i freak out on him.

so yeah, i'm pretty fucking stoked.

plus, i'm only moving like 50 feet away so i'll still have all of the same neighbors.
awesome possum.

my humanities teacher said he was going to email us a take-home midterm essay on tuesday afternoon. instead he sent it to us yesterday afternoon. so instead of getting to look it over while i was actually on break, i get to write all night tonight.
my anthropology grade is going to suck hardcore... the lectures are more like rants about white guilt, there are no coherent thoughts to be taken away from them. class after class i just sit there and go, "mom, tara, WHY would you get degrees in a subject that basically says white people wanted to watch the non-white people act not-white and lament that white culture rubbed off on indigenous civilizations partly as a result of them being watched." yucky yucky stuff.

i should be writing my midterm essay right now.
i'm writing it on campus because my apartment is a heap of cat shit & rotting food. i had to run over there to grab a textbook & everyone was sitting around the TV drinking beers and being happy. fuckers. i don't understand how they watch as much TV as they do. i wish we had never gotten one because all they do is watch terrible shows on TLC and play video games. it's so loud and rowdy every night.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: tomorrow is friday and the weekend, and WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE is coming out!! plus i got invited to hang out and drink with several lovely kids, all of whom have no interest in the boob-tube. plus the weekend means sex. copius amounts of sex.
i hope everyone is doing alright, and if you're not i hope with all of my heart that things get better for you soon.
if you're trapped in charlotte or some other shitty place you can always come stay with me in the mountains. just look at these leaves:



hugs to all!<3

we fucked where the entire church congregation could see right into the window as they walked to their cars feeling so... cleansed? guilty? whatever you feel after church if you believe in that kind of stuff.
he goes, "exhbitionist?"
and i say, "obviously."

here's a guy who dropped out of society to take a 2178 mile walk.
here's a guy who knows how to get high off his endorphins.
here's a guy who isn't going to make me stupid promises, because he knows i'm an independent lady who can make what i want happen for myself.
he has the prettiest hair and gorgeous fucking eyes. AND he's a kink. oh, fuck yes.

skipping anthropology right now.
i don't want to be another whitey going "oh, look at the natives!" from some ivory tower.

OH GROSS. i was just rubbing rasmewtin's belly and he popped a stiffy. kitty boners are so weird.

i got a skype (janeytr0n) so if anyone has it, add me!!

if i don't do the dishes, nobody does.
if i don't take out the trash, it sits there.
if someone decides to make food there will be packaging left sitting on the counter or floor because they're too lazy to walk 5 feet to the trash can.
the uncooked, fresh green beans i bought have been sitting out on the counter for 36 hours because one of them is allegedly going to "cook" them.
our apartment smells like festering meat and eggs.
and the kicker? one of them stays home all day every monday, wednesday, and friday...

so every time i walk in the door i gag.
every time i look at my kitchen i panic.
every time i look at nan i want to strangle her.
i don't mind messy. messy is whatever. this is like, insane. she's turned this place into a crack den in less than 3 full weeks.

i think maybe if i put a gun to her head she'd do her share. so can i borrow someone's?

i can't get anything done.
i can't rely on anyone except for my brother. i think he and i are twins born 12 years apart. i swear that he can read my fucking mind. we can have entire conversations without talking and arrive at the same conclusions. it's wild. i think he gets the same way i do where we haul ourselves up and constrict ourselves with loneliness like we're agoraphobic or something.

i hate the week before moving. i'm nauseous the entire time. 
3 more days.
take the initiative to say goodbye or don't. i don't fucking care anymore.

i think i'm going to start pulling my hair out if i stay in this place any longer.
my parents got back from their "retreat weekend" set in about me "having a bunch of kids over". yeah, they're the kind of people that go on vacation and come back more stressed out than when they left.
the "bunch of kids" i had over were jew, ayla, and vlad.
i wish i could have people over here all the time. this house is fucking huge and there's lots of stuff to do. my dad is such a stressed out crazy workaholic that he makes me feel uncomfortable about having people over so i usually just hang out here by myself. it gets lonely. whatever.
my mom is so caught up in creating arguments so that she can be right about things that she completely missed the boat on the whole "supportive parenting" thing.

i'm at home and i want to go home. home isn't here anymore. it hasn't been for a long time.

in return i have to teach her how to use facebook, make her a powerpoint, and make her a website. meh. that's only like, 3 hours of work.

the first photo i took. it's a portrait of my struggle with womanhood, or something.
i love my fat-bastard chin that happens when i make that face (which is often).
oh yeah, in 3 weeks i move from charlotte. probably forever.
cool.

i'm going to snug harbor tonight with jen! i'm excited, i've been in the club-y dance-y mood lately.

i'm watching this show about prohibition when women couldn't drink publicly. so instead their doctors gave them morphine. it's all about these wives and mothers shooting up & shooting their babies up when they get fussy. i mean, kids grew up doped up then. no big deal.
i love how we have this "throw 'em in jail" mentality just 100 years after shootin dope for a wife was like watching the view.

oh america. my sweet, sick home.
why?

my hair is a little past my shoulders now & even though molly shaped it & did a rad job i still feel like i just look UGRY with long hair.

but it's so much fun being able to braid it.
i just don't know anymore.
where is everyone?

i am so tired & have so much to do.
i want to go out tonight.
free afromotive show at neighborhood theatre!
i'm going to take a nap and hopefully read some of my psych textbook or something.

my friend anna is coming to visit! she should be here any minute now, but with charlotte rush hour who fucking knows?

sooooo last weekend was pretty epic because i went to my brothers' long time friend's wedding and we got trashed nasty and smoked in the hotel room. i fucking love throwing down with the big kids.

but yeah, all the junk food and drinking are getting to me. i'm trying to quit smoking. i keep making it a week then fucking it up on saturday night because i never care about a thing on saturday nights. it's very difficult to quit smoking while living with my mother because she's fucking crazy.

so i'm going to do megacleanse (water+cayenne pepper+lemon juice+maple syrup) in hopes of getting some of the nasty crap out of my body.

EDIT: anna just called & is horribly lost, hence why she is not here yet. i'm gonna go rescue her.

i saw the brothers bloom tonight.

now it's just me and the bar.
cheers.

i really hurt my back.
sharp pain shoots through my lower back when i change my posture.
i'm on the rag, but i don't think that has anything to do with it. maybe it's just the result of being "well endowed".
whatever it is, it hurts really badly and i'm constantly using a heat pad at home.

i'm watching never ending story. it's rad.
babysitting is getting me out of the poorhouse, thank goodness... worrying about money was ruining me.

i am merely posting this to pause & love on billy corgan's angst. he's just so damn good at it. i'm so glad that it's his job.

i'm really excited for this weekend but until then i need to keep from going mad.
also, i saw no doubt and it was fucking badass & gwen stefani looked so at home up there. i can't hate her for her lame-ass pop solo shit because she was my vision of what barbie should be when i was growing up. 
i grew up with them leading me into a manic rage at how my sex is treated & how people ignore social problems & don't take time to learn from each other.
so yeah, like i said... no doubt was fucking awesome.

can i relax yet?
no... not yet. i am still working on getting rid of a TON of stuff that's just sitting in my room being ugly & cluttery & wasting space.
i am also giving a ton of my old clothes to goodwill. some mallgoths will be very thrilled at these finds. we're talking about oldskool hot topic crap.

also, fuck spiders. and fuck them for chillin' in my boxes when i have to stick my hands in them to get my stuff out. hmph.